Yesterday was a rare “treat” – I had a full-blown panic attack. I haven’t had one in a while, but when I get them, they are fierce. Some people feel heart palpatations, or feel like they have electricity running through their veins. They feel like they are going to die.
I spent the afternoon napping, as it was a gloomy San Diego afternoon. I woke up in a cold sweat, with the beginnings of a migraine. My skin was itching and it almost seemed like lightning was flashing behind my eyelids. To open my eyes, though, was extremely painful, because the light in the house was too bright. I started to shake and cry. The BF came to my rescue and tried to calm me down. I told him that I was so tired, that I was warm, that I was stressed out, that I missed him, that I hated being fat, that I hated being tired all the time, that I hated how everything I eat lately seems to make me sick. Work is stressing me out because it’s, well, WORK, and not supposed to be fun. I put a lot of pressure on myself – more than any boss ever has. I miss my boyfriend because he works 2 jobs and also has rehersals for his sketch comedy troupe. I feel like I can’t catch up to anything, let alone get ahead.
All of this and more came out in a rapid-fire, almost incoherent babble. I couldn’t stop crying. I started having trouble breathing. I crumbled into my boyfriend’s arms, repeating, “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…” He told me that I have nothing to be sorry for. And while I don’t necessarily believe that, it was a comfort to be able to have someone next to me at that moment, to take care of me, and not blame me for anything. I took a shower, which I nearly passed out during. I had a couple smokes on my front porch, tweeting and updating my facebook status with shaking hands. I settled in with the BF to watch a movie – a Swedish Teenage Vampire Lovestory of sorts. Weird shit, and I wasn’t that impressed. But the critics loved it. And as we all know, I do not have good taste. So take my opinion for what it’s worth.
Eventually I went to sleep. Luckily, I did not have vampire dreams, but I still did not sleep well. Woke up exhausted, and I struggled to make it through today. Panic attacks are draining.