And I’m the only one who floats below the rest of the angels

I go to the bar, because I have friends there.  I know many people there, and they know me.  We talk, we drink, we laugh, we sing.  I get compliments, and I feel special again.  I feel connected.  I am happy.

I go to work because I have to.  The world ain’t cheap, let alone free.  But I do things at work that others don’t have time to do, don’t want to do, or haven’t done before.  I “add value” – though I cringe to use that term.  I have ideas, I perform well, and I get kudos.  I am well liked and I am useful.

I stay in my baby’s arms because he loves me.  I don’t know why, but he does.  We laugh, we sit quietly, we go grocery shopping, we sleep, we eat, we love.  We work – not in the way that I mentioned previously (well, we do, but…).  What I mean is that we fit.  Together.

There are very few other times in my life when I feel comfortable.  Or even just OK.  I like to hide a lot.  I am text in a box, mostly.  I don’t like going places by myself.  I don’t always like going places with other people.  Because I am invisible.  Careless kids nearly careening into me on their bikes.  Pseudo athletes looking right through me as they jog by.   Alone in a crowded room, surrounded by disinterest.

I am not beautiful.  I am not checked out by anyone.  I am not looked at with disgust.  I am not tsk-ed at in disdain.  I am ignored. 

There is no mold that I was formed inside.  I am not hip, or goth.  I am not perky, nor am I a socialite.

I have always bounced from group to group, clique to clique.  Befriending some, but not all.  Smothering some, keeping others at arms length.

I am often empty, longing to be full.  I struggle with this, and have for many, many years. 

The girl you see is okay, though.  As far as you know.  I take my comforts where and when I can.  I will survive.  I always have, and always will.

Someday, I’ll be everything that I want to be.  Whatever that is.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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