I am rapidly approaching my mid-thirties.  This Friday, I will be 34.  And I will celebrate in my usual MeredithElaine style – karaoke and Coors Light.  Although there have been threats of Irish Car Bombs and Washington Apples.  Oh, God, is it going to get ugly.

And really, am I 21?  Or trying to still live in a delusional fantasy that I am?

I’m continually going through this cycle – one minute I want to be settled, I’m pining for children, all that good stuff; the next, I’m trying to fight the fact that I’m getting older and I get tired a lot easier.  Do I want to pound beer all night, or do I want to stay in and fall asleep in front of the TV while watching the Food Network?

I also have been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  To a (in retrospect) dark period of my life.  I know the darkness of that time, but something in my brain is pushing the supposed good times to the forefront.  And by good times, I mean the most stupid stuff EVER.  Breezing along Routes 35 and 36 in my Dodge Neon, blasting cheesy pop/techno.  Waking up early to get laundry started and then get my nails done.  Going to the gym; going tanning.  Cleaning the house (WTF?), cooking dinner (double WTF?), going out and partying.  What was with this boundless energy I had back then?  These days, I can barely muster up energy to wash the dishes in a timely fashion.

Granted, this was 8 years ago.  But I felt carefree.  I shouldn’t have, because it ended up catching me off guard.  I lived in denial about a lot of things, and was shocked and devastated by many others.  I won’t go into details about it all.  But, truth be told – I was never 100% the same after everything that went down.

So, the fact that flashbacks are coming on so strongly these days…I don’t know what that means.  Is it a subconscious panic on my body and psyche’s part that I’m getting older?  Is it because I want to hold on to every fiber of youth I can?  Is it because I want things to be simpler (even though back then, they weren’t necessarily simpler)?  I honestly don’t know.

Over the years, my memory has become just horrific.  I know I was at my high school graduation, my sister’s wedding reception, etc.  There’s photographic proof.  But I don’t remember these actual events.  Things that should matter and count are very hazy to me.  But events that are so trivial, or eras of my life that I really WANT to forget…are the ones that can’t be erased.

I don’t know why that is, and I wish I could change it.