If you see me getting mighty, if you see me getting high, knock me down

Warning:  I will be talking about fitness/weight stuff, so if you’re not a fan of that, I figured I’d let you know.

For the few days of AWESOME that was my birthday extravaganza, the few days afterward have been made of SUCK.

I’ve been slammed at work.  Which yes, I know, is a good thing.  Working in staffing and all…this means that people are hiring and jobs are out there.  It’s just been overwhelmingly so this week.  Moreso than it’s been in a long time. 

So I’ve been quiet.  And cranky. And very tired.

Plus we’re still in the midst of some weird heatwave here in San Diego.  And even with the windows/doors open, it’s still warmer in my apartment than outside.  And this neighborhood is not really the best to be leaving windows/doors open at night, so my fans just push hot air around at night.  Making me a giant sweatball and making it difficult to sleep.

So continues the tired and cranky.

I’m also frustrated with my whole walking/fitness thing.  It’s been…eh, 2 months now, give or take.  2 months of 4 miles, anywhere from 3-5 days per week.  And while Eric says my legs look GORGEOUS, and my double chin has gone down to about a one-and-a-half chin, I’m still the same clothing size.  Which is not what I want.

And all this is not without its pain.  Yes, I’m going to sound like an 80 year old woman right about now.  And I’m also going to sound really bitchy and cranky.   But I’ve really been holding back, and it’s having an impact on how I am, personality-wise, because I’m not venting anywhere or to anyone, really about it.  So…my blog, my bitching.

Since I’ve started walking, I’ve had a number of issues:

  • First, I started off with scraped up toes and blisters.  So I shelled out $60 for new sneakers.
  • Then I got this weird pain underneath my 2nd toe in both feet.  The tendon, maybe?  It’s incredibly painful to walk on.  This happens anywhere from the 1 to 3 mile mark; making a sizeable chunk of my walk very painful.  No matter how much I stretch, it doesn’t help.
  • Then I scraped up my feet around the achilles tendon areas.  Beyond blisters and straight to bleeding into the $60 sneakers.  This was over 2 weeks ago, and they are still not 100% healed.  Even though I took several days off walking, used Neosporin, etc.
  • My left knee swells up from time to time, gets all achy and it feels like it’s got this squishy cartiledge stuff going on.
  • I get stitches in my sides.  Or my stomach muscles are ripping into shreds.  I don’t know.  At first it was only during the long walks; now sometimes it happens when I walk from one end of the office to the next.

I have no idea if any of these things are serious, or if they are just things that happen when you embark on a new fitness plan.  I’ve never had problems like this before whenever I’ve gone walking or to gyms or taken classes in the past.  However, I am now 34, and not far from being the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.  Plus I’m walking 4 miles.  Not even at my peak of fitness did I walk 4 miles in one shot. 

I can’t even go to a doctor to check and see if these things are serious, because as of 7/31/09, I no longer have health insurance.  Yeah, my COBRA ran it’s course.  My company, because it is so small, doesn’t HAVE its own plan.  We have a rep that can give quotes and help us find plans.  And believe me, I tried that route.  I got REJECTED.  Because if you have had a back injury and have a history of being a little crazy, you’re pretty much fucked.  I have now applied to another insurance, and am still waiting to hear if I’m in or not.

All of my aches and injuries or whatever you want to call them make my 4 mile walk an exercise in MISERY.  I try to keep up with my friends, but it’s difficult and I end up falling behind.  I try to engage in conversation, but all that’s going through my mind is “OW OW FUCK OW WHEN WILL THIS END?”  

And fucking hell, I feel so GUILTY.  I already don’t go as often as they do (they go pretty much every day).  I don’t push as hard as they do.  And lord knows that I should.  I should push HARDER.  They are in way better shape than I am, and they don’t have as far to go, in terms of making progress, or toning up, or weight loss, or whatever.  I feel guilty because this is also about spending time with friends, but what kind of a friend am I if I am not really engaging in conversation or interacting?

Yesterday, after my walk, I sat in my car and cried.  I cried because I was in so much pain, and just frustrated and fed up and wondering:  is it worth it?  I’m hurting more than I’m feeling okay, and I’m  miserable to be around.  I apologize constantly to Eric, because all I can say is It hurts; I’m so tired.  I’m in bed most nights by 9pm.  Seriously, I think I am 80 years old.  Pass me the Doan’s Pills and the Geritol Complete.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a networking function after work.  I didn’t.  I bailed because I’m tired and spent most of the day feeling like crap.  The last thing I really wanted to do was stand out on the outdoor patio of a restaurant in San Diego, sweltering in 85 degree heat.  Granted there was free food and booze involved.  That should be a no-brainer, right?  But sometimes, not even the prospect of getting full and drunk on someone else’s dime is enough of a lure for me.

So I said fuck it and went home.  I picked up some vegan take-out (no, I’m not vegan in the least, but this place is delish!) and did my laundry.  I cooked some extra pasta for Eric and I to take to work for lunch tomorrow.  I laid down on the couch and listened to my stress-reduction hypnosis CD, because clearly I need it.  I will probably listen to it again before the night is through.  Because I am seriously close to snapping.  Literally and figuratively.

Part of me wants to smack myself and say, Rome wasn’t built in a day, bitch.  Be patient.  The other part of me wants to say, But surely I shouldn’t be feeling worse at THIS stage of the game, right?

I feel like shit for even feeling this way.  I feel like I let everyone down enough as it is.  After people telling me that I look great, and how proud they are of me for doing all this…the last thing I want to say is I QUIT

So I don’t.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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