Nights like this, I get scared. I can almost physically feel it circling in on me. My eyes blur. My stomach these days is in a continual state of pain – be it nausea or otherwise. Every tiny pain is magnified. I feel disconnected and distracted. I am always sick. I am tired. Sleep is a high priority. Sleep is an escape. Nothing is satisfying enough. I struggle hard to maintain the happy smile everyone knows. But my enthusiasm and zest are waning. I wish to hide.
I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.
It’s been just about 2 years since I’ve had any medication for: depression, anxiety, attention-deficit, you-name-it. It was originally for financial reasons, even with insurance, my co-pays were $35-50. PER medication. About 4 years ago, I was on 5 at once, imagine that. But recently, it seemed that I was doing okay. I was maintaining, and feeling good. But now I am so scared that I’m careening down that road again. And that scares me. Will each time be worse than the last? What will they find/diagnose next? Is ignorance bliss?
I find myself dropping more and more out of life. One cancellation here, another there. Very little is making me smile. I’m irritable and quiet. I am trying to cry, and tears aren’t coming. I know they are just lodged and stuck somewhere deep inside; they always return. Trying to sleep it off proves unsuccessful. I don’t sleep well – it’s not restful at all.
I stick to my basic routines, for the most part. I go to work every day, because, hello – I have a job, I’d like to keep it, because money is sort of a necessary thing. I am continually worrying. I am jumpy. It hurts. It HURTS. IT HURTS.
Someone please make it go away. These cycles are too much. Whether they are in a span of years, or months, or minutes. The drop off of the peak, or even the plateau is becoming unbearable.