Nights like this, I get scared.  I can almost physically feel it circling in on me.  My eyes blur.  My stomach these days is in a continual state of pain – be it nausea or otherwise.  Every tiny pain is magnified.  I feel disconnected and distracted.  I am always sick.  I am tired.  Sleep is a high priority.  Sleep is an escape.  Nothing is satisfying enough.  I struggle hard to maintain the happy smile everyone knows.  But my enthusiasm and zest are waning.  I wish to hide. 

I’m sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am.

It’s been just about 2 years since I’ve had any medication for: depression, anxiety, attention-deficit, you-name-it.  It was originally for financial reasons, even with insurance, my co-pays were $35-50.  PER medication.  About 4 years ago, I was on 5 at once, imagine that.  But recently, it seemed that I was doing okay.  I was maintaining, and feeling good.  But now I am so scared that I’m careening down that road again.  And that scares me.  Will each time be worse than the last?  What will they find/diagnose next?  Is ignorance bliss? 

I find myself dropping more and more out of life.  One cancellation here, another there.  Very little is making me smile.  I’m irritable and quiet.  I am trying to cry, and tears aren’t coming.  I know they are just lodged and stuck somewhere deep inside; they always return.  Trying to sleep it off proves unsuccessful.  I don’t sleep well – it’s not restful at all.

I stick to my basic routines, for the most part.  I go to work every day, because, hello – I have a job, I’d like to keep it, because money is sort of a necessary thing.   I am continually worrying.   I am jumpy.   It hurts.  It HURTS.  IT HURTS. 

Someone please make it go away.   These cycles are too much.  Whether they are in a span of years, or months, or minutes.  The drop off of the peak, or even the plateau is becoming unbearable.