Nights like this, I get scared. I can almost physically feel it circling in on me. My eyes blur. My stomach these days is in a continual state of pain – be it nausea or otherwise. Every tiny pain is magnified. I feel disconnected and distracted. I am always sick. I am tired. Sleep is a high priority. Sleep is an escape. Nothing is satisfying enough. I struggle hard to maintain the happy smile everyone knows. But my enthusiasm and zest are waning. I wish to hide.
I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.
It’s been just about 2 years since I’ve had any medication for: depression, anxiety, attention-deficit, you-name-it. It was originally for financial reasons, even with insurance, my co-pays were $35-50. PER medication. About 4 years ago, I was on 5 at once, imagine that. But recently, it seemed that I was doing okay. I was maintaining, and feeling good. But now I am so scared that I’m careening down that road again. And that scares me. Will each time be worse than the last? What will they find/diagnose next? Is ignorance bliss?
I find myself dropping more and more out of life. One cancellation here, another there. Very little is making me smile. I’m irritable and quiet. I am trying to cry, and tears aren’t coming. I know they are just lodged and stuck somewhere deep inside; they always return. Trying to sleep it off proves unsuccessful. I don’t sleep well – it’s not restful at all.
I stick to my basic routines, for the most part. I go to work every day, because, hello – I have a job, I’d like to keep it, because money is sort of a necessary thing. I am continually worrying. I am jumpy. It hurts. It HURTS. IT HURTS.
Someone please make it go away. These cycles are too much. Whether they are in a span of years, or months, or minutes. The drop off of the peak, or even the plateau is becoming unbearable.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take care of yourself.
Thanks Tony. This kind of stuff I’ve been dealing with for a long time…kinda used to it by now. But that doesn’t make it suck less. 🙂 It’s also just been a rough, rough week for other reasons…