Maybe I should preface this with a warning – blee, blah.
Maybe it’s mostly me that I’m angry at. The self-loathing that pretty much consumes me. To be so…well-liked, LOVED…and yet cringe with every hug. When my guy friends squeeze me, pick me up and lift me. I want to cry; I’m afraid I’m going to break them. I compare myself to all my girlfriends – both smaller and larger than myself. I am the ugly duckling of them all. I know the point that I was at where I was my personal best, my most attractive. The most comfortable with who I was. I am so far from that right now. Sometimes it prevents me from leaving the house. Pictures I put on display are from 3+ years ago. Very few pictures are taken of me these days – they have to be carefully orchestrated and at special angles. The “Fat Girl Angle” if you will.
Succeed, fail, succeed, fail.
Every failure comes with a heaping bowl of Cheerios. Feeling empty inside, just begging to be filled. Workouts are sabotaged by snacks. Yearning for the days when I was obsessive in the worst/best way (I glamorize it to a certain extent, I know). I miss being small(er) – though I’ve never been teeny by any stretch of the imagination. I had a lot more endurance and energy. Right now, my lazy ass isn’t doing that much about it. My willpower and self-control is seemingly gone.
I’m genuinely happy for the people who are comfortable in their own skin – regardless of weight or what-have-you. It’d be great if I could be that way. But I know that will never be me. I accept that. As a result, I don’t accept ME. I want to fit – in better (smaller) clothes, in chairs, in LIFE. I loathe what I see in the mirror, and I accept that. I accept that it’s my fault that I got this way. I got comfortable and lazy (as I’ve done many times in my life).
I’m not making sweeping generalizations over a segment of the population – I am speaking for me and from my experiences. I know what got me to this point, and it’s up to me to change it. I just have to get off my pathetic ass and DO IT. Just as I accept that some people are lucky enough to be happy what they see in the mirror every day…I accept that I am not one of them. I accept that I am angry at myself for this. I accept that I will not resolve this issue until I do something about it.
When I do, I will have (slightly, heh) less anger to deal with, and I will be a happier person. In turn, I will be better able to focus on others. I will be a better friend. I will be a better significant other. I will be a better employee.
I just need to do it.