Maybe it’s mostly me that I’m angry at

Maybe I should preface this with a warning – blee, blah.

Maybe it’s mostly me that I’m angry at.  The self-loathing that pretty much consumes me.  To be so…well-liked, LOVED…and yet cringe with every hug.  When my guy friends squeeze me, pick me up and lift me.  I want to cry; I’m afraid I’m going to break them.  I compare myself to all my girlfriends – both smaller and larger than myself.  I am the ugly duckling of them all.  I know the point that I was at where I was my personal best, my most attractive.  The most comfortable with who I was.  I am so far from that right now.  Sometimes it prevents me from leaving the house.  Pictures I put on display are from 3+ years ago.  Very few pictures are taken of me these days – they have to be carefully orchestrated and at special angles.  The “Fat Girl Angle” if you will.

Succeed, fail, succeed, fail.

Every failure comes with a heaping bowl of Cheerios.  Feeling empty inside, just begging to be filled.  Workouts are sabotaged by snacks.  Yearning for the days when I was obsessive in the worst/best way (I glamorize it to a certain extent, I know).   I miss being small(er) – though I’ve never been teeny by any stretch of the imagination.  I had a lot more endurance and energy.  Right now, my lazy ass isn’t doing that much about it.  My willpower and self-control is seemingly gone.

I’m genuinely happy for the people who are comfortable in their own skin – regardless of weight or what-have-you.  It’d be great if I could be that way.  But I know that will never be me.  I accept that.  As a result, I don’t accept ME.  I want to fit – in better (smaller) clothes, in chairs, in LIFE.  I loathe what I see in the mirror, and I accept that.  I accept that it’s my fault that I got this way.  I got comfortable and lazy (as I’ve done many times in my life). 

I’m not making sweeping generalizations over a segment of the population – I am speaking for me and from my experiences.  I know what got me to this point, and it’s up to me to change it.  I just have to get off my pathetic ass and DO IT.  Just as I accept that some people are lucky enough to be happy what they see in the mirror every day…I accept that I am not one of them.  I accept that I am angry at myself for this.  I accept that I will not resolve this issue until I do something about it.

When I do, I will have (slightly, heh) less anger to deal with, and I will be a happier person.  In turn, I will be better able to focus on others.  I will be a better friend.  I will be a better significant other.  I will be a better employee. 

I just need to do it.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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