It seems as if this is the summer of full plates. Too much to do, to think about, to plan, to execute. And not enough time for it all. Not enough energy for it all.
There’s been parties and work and debt and goals and things that have led to more (potential) health problems. Spreading myself too thin while making myself fatter.
I scale back and try to simplify. My days are best when I have lists. As much as I want to be free-spirited and nonchalant, it’s just not my predominant nature. I am stress and worries and way too much maturity for a 34 year old. So I think. Or at least for a 34 year old who doesn’t own a home, isn’t married, doesn’t have kids. What’s my pressure? Keeping the house clean, trying to muster up the energy to work out. Having enough money to pay the bills and make it out to karaoke night. Wanting so badly to look like the anonymous beauties who tell me I sing so well. Competing against everyone, while competing against myself.
Eric left for Dallas on Monday. He is training for his new promotion, restaurant management things. He spends a month learning how to run the San Diego franchise. He’s worked at this restaurant for 3 years as a server; he pretty much knows the ropes. But he need to learn how to chop onions, prep sauces, run the bar, take care of the books. Because managers need to know that, in case shit goes down on his watch.
It’s been 3 days, and I’m somewhat broken. Coping better, so far, than I thought I would. But his phone calls and texts and Facebook updates strike chords in me that I haven’t felt in a while. That deep, sad missing and longing. Once upon a time, we spent months apart. But that was before I took the plunge and moved out here to be with him. Since then – no more than a week has passed that we didn’t see each other.
Many people have it so much worse, I know. But my reality, my here and now, makes me so sad. I am going through the motions of my days. Though due to busy schedules, it wasn’t like we saw each other that much anyway. But to know that if I wake up in the middle of the night, he won’t be there. I won’t see him playing video games. I won’t hear him snoring.
It’s been a busy summer, as I said. And not too much to show for it at this point. The heat has been stifling in our little apartment; drowning me in misery and sweat.
I am ready for the cooler weather. I am ready for the future.
I don’t prepare what I write, most of the time, in this blog. It is as it always has been for me, since the O.G. blogging days – stream of conscious, sometimes cryptic, sometimes brutally straightforward. Always ME.
Someone told me the other day that they had read my writing and that I’m very emotional. I’m not sure if that person had read this blog, or just a few posts on Facebook. But if you know me at all, you know this is true. Very emotional. Depression with a heaping side of lower-than-low self-esteem.
I pretty much just forgot any point that I may have had to writing this entry. Surely this doesn’t surprise anyone. My attention span is about 11 seconds or so.