I suppose this is an “I’m sorry” – for being the absolute pill of a person that I’ve been since Tuesday.  That’s how long I’ve been sick – in varying degrees of severity and style.  Not always nauseous, not always dizzy. Not always able to speak; not always able to breathe through my nose.  I drink gallons of water and still end up dehydrated.  My throat swells up and nearly shuts.  I have coughing fits that last minutes on end.

So forgive me if I’m not the sparkling personality that you’re normally used to.

I have tried DayQuil, Tylenol PM, Ibuprofin and Claritin.  Nothing is working.  We’re still in the midst of a heatwave, so while I’m trying to rest and relax and sleep, I’m actually tossing and turning and drenching myself with sweat.  I haven’t been comfortable since I got sick.  Actually that’s a lie.  My apartment is actually tolerable in temperature between 3-7am.

Friday night I attempted to go out. I was getting stir-crazy, and thought maybe some cold Coors Lights might help.  So much for that plan. I drank and sang until I was one sip away from disaster. I woke up hating myself for even attempting to go out.  I woke up with a throat more sore than the night before, and absolutely no voice.

I attempted to heat up some soup yesterday – thinking, well, that’s what you DO when you’re sick.  Last thing I want to do, honestly, is eat hot food in a hot house, but it turns out it didn’t matter anyway.  The soup was nasty.  Chicken Corn Chowder.  This morning I went to the grocery store and picked up some Chicken Noodle and some Tomato soup.  We’ll see what happens.

My body HURTS.  I’m not getting the rest I need.  I watched about 4 hours of shows on MSNBC about prison life last night.  I would like to stop sweating.  I would like to stop coughing so painfully that my chest aches. The sniffling could cease any time now.

I’ve gotten some jokes, from coworkers and other people I know, about Swine Flu.  I laugh, but I honestly want to shake people and say YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH OF A HYPOCHONDRIAC I AM AND THAT I HONESTLY THINK I MAY DIE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

Usually Eric is the one who calms me down when I panic like this.  Well guess what? He’s NOT HERE.  He is busy and working and not within arms length to rub my tummy when I don’t feel well, and buy me tissues when I need them.  Call me needy, childish or fucking co-dependent. I don’t care.  I am not coping well on my own.

Did you know that when rappers are talking about sippin’ on syrup, they LITERALLY MEAN SYRUP – like prescription cough syrup?  With Codeine and shit in it?  I figured it was a mixed drink of sorts.  Like Vodka Cran or something.  Nope, more like Codeine Syrup and soda.  Go figure.  This is what I learned yesterday because I watched Lil’ Wayne’s Behind The Music on Vh1.  I used to have TONS of left over cough syrup with Codeine from all the other times I’ve been sick.  But LIKE AN IDIOT, I got rid of it.  Maybe because it expired, or maybe because that stuff kinda made me nauseous.  Now, however, I am kicking myself because if I had only KNOWN, I might be drunk and happy and, I don’t know, maybe NOT SICK ANYMORE.  Maybe I would have even come up with some slick rhymes and I’d be rich and famous and not in debt. 

We shall never know, now.  Because I’m a dumbass who throws away her old prescriptions.

I drank orange juice today.  THAT’S how sick I am.  I hate orange juice.  That shit is vile.  Unless there’s champagne mixed in.  Then it’s tolerable.  Huh, I wonder how OJ would taste mixed with some syzzurp?