It’s no secret that I hate how I look and have crappy self esteem. The fact of the matter is – MY attitude about MYSELF is not going to change until I do. In addition, I feel sluggish and achy ALL THE TIME. To the point where I’m somewhat worried about it. I’m not getting any younger, and it’s not going to get any easier. So in light of these facts – I’ve once again decided to attempt to do something about it.
Cue the eye-roll now: We’ve been down this road before, MeredithElaine.
Most recently, I did a stint for a couple months this summer when I walked approximately 4 miles per day, a few days per week. I got compliments on how I looked, but the facts remained – I didn’t lose any clothing sizes, nor did I lose any weight (as a trip to the doctor in mid-August revealed to me). Meanwhile, my joints were popping, I was getting stitches in my sides and my feet were cramping up.
The friends I was walking with were losing pounds and sizes. I was not. And then I actually end up starting to feel WORSE? OH HELL NO.
So, I stopped. Just stopped. See, this is what happens – I start strong, go for the gusto, and then stop. It could be for any reason – lack of results, getting sick, pain…whatever. And I’m always an all-or-nothing sort of personality. I think that I can do better than I actually CAN (because hey, guess what? I’m out of shape AND delusional). And then when I fail, I feel horrible so I quit.
This past weekend, I picked up a DVD at Target – from Leslie Sansone. I’m familiar with her program, because I had one of her DVDs several years ago. I’m guessing it’s somewhere in my parents’ basement right now. Leslie is a very perky fitness instructor, and yet, I don’t want to punch her in the face. Probably because she’s not a stereotypical blonde, taut aerobic-babe. She’s probably in her late 30s/early 40s, and yes, she’s in better shape than I am, but she’s not in PERFECT shape.
Therefore, she is okay in my book.
The particular DVD that I got goes up to 5 miles. Today I did 2 miles. Enough to break a little sweat, and it’s low-impact, so I don’t feel like I’m jarring my body. Especially since my right knee has been bothering me like crazy for the past couple of weeks. I can do it in the privacy of my home, alone, where I can hide from the world and no one is watching me. This in itself is a huge win for me, since I’m embarrassed to be out in the world most of the time.
So, it’s better than nothing, right?
I’ve been trying to come up with a plan of attack. And it’s difficult, because I want to be working out like a fiend, but I’m in a lot of pain these days. So do I try and lose a chunk of weight first and then ramp up the working out once I have less weight resting on my joints? Do I just ignore the pain and jump headfirst into a diet and exercise plan?
I’m frustrated, because I’ve got a long fucking road ahead of me. Not only am I fat, achy and lazy, but I’m IMPATIENT too. Awesome winning combination of traits for success, no?
So we’ll see how it goes. I’ve been bringing lunch to work a LOT more often as well as trying to cook dinner for myself at home, which I think is helping with my food intake (plus it’s less expensive). It gets boring, because since I’m not a great cook, I don’t have a lot of variety.
So, it’s not going to be easy. But I know I won’t be happy unless I at least TRY to do something about my situation. If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and all that jazz.