Today was an extraordinarily rough day. I don’t know if I can even necessarily pinpoint why.
I’m not really known as the strong one. I don’t know how to give advice and bring support. I’m fluffy and giggly and smiles. Until I’m not, and then I’m just lost. One of the worst feelings in the world is wanting to help someone, wanting to help them feel better…and not being able to.
I feel OFF. Off of my game, whatever that may be.
I’m not necessarily struggling at work. But I sort of am. On one hand, I’m coasting along, doing what I usually do, and doing it well. On the other hand, I’m not doing so well on the recruiting side. Luckily, what I do is not my company’s bread and butter, so I’m not getting shit for not filling the jobs. More than one of the jobs I’ve been working on have simply vanished into thin air. Put on hold or what-have-you. A few of the jobs have been so…vague, that it’s hard to find an ideal candidate. It’s hard to sell a person on a job when you’re saying, “well, I don’t know what exactly you’ll be doing or who you’ll be doing it for.” On the flip side, it’s hard to sell a client on a candidate when you don’t know exactly what the client wants. Other jobs…well, I’ve sent over 10 candidates, on all ends of the spectrum of what this position is…and no one has been “the right fit” yet. Meanwhile, the team that I’m supporting (2 offices) is piling more of THEIR stuff on me, which is fine, because that’s what my main job IS. But it’s always feast or famine, and I’m either bored to tears, or overwhelmed and struggling to get it all done in the span of a day.
My weight has continued to be a struggle. I’m still at the 15 pounds lost mark. I’m trying to switch up my workouts. I have 4 of the Core Rhythms DVDS, 5 of the Flirty Girl Fitness DVDs, plus my Walk Away The Pounds DVD. Plus the Wii. And now that it’s getting to be springtime, I’m trying to start walking again. I’ve cut calories. And I’m still wearing the same damn clothes. I’m stuck in between my current size (ish) and the next size down. Current Size = baggy. Next Size Down = me wrapped up like a stuffed sausage. NOT ATTRACTIVE. So I just look continually frumpy.
With a tragically bad haircut that I got last month. I walked out of the salon looking like Mrs. Brady combined with Kristen Stewart’s Joan Jett hairdo. Which would be great, if I was at all punk or edgy. BUT I’M NOT. I’m a big fluffy puffalump who likes basic, simple hairdos. So, now an extra 10-20 minutes has been added to my getting-ready routine as I flatiron my hair into submission every day. I’m taking prenatal vitamins, because they supposedly help your hair grow faster.
So my self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating as of late. I feel ugly, huge and like a failure. And since I’m known for being happy and upbeat, I’m trying. I’m REALLY trying to maintain that.
But deep down, I’m really kinda depressed at the moment. I want to hide from the world. And I’m cranky and irritable. Bad spelling on resumes and in emails and things equally as unimportant (and I mean that in terms of in the cosmic scheme of things, because believe me, if you’re are looking for a job, you better be on point), make me angry and twitchy. I’m kind of miserable. And when I’m miserable, I want to either binge or drink lot of crappy beer. I’m done my fair share of both lately. The bingeing, I tend to do alone. The drinking of crappy beer, I tend to do in the company of others.
What I really want is a good night’s sleep. And a hug. And for one of my candidates to get placed. And liposuction.
At the moment, I’d settle for a good night’s sleep. So I’m off to watch the results episode of American Idol, snuggled up in bed.
Oh, and my 1 year blogaversary recently passed. Wheee…?