Wearing myself thin and wearing myself out.

10 hour workday today.  My lunch break – all of 3 minutes.  So much to do, piling, piling on me.  Plus had a panic attack around noontime.  What a great day.

I’m losing it.  Everything in me is screaming to just pull away from everyone and everything.  No one wants to hear my goddamn fucking whining.  The guilt I feel when saying no is enough to kill me.  I’m starting to crack.  I’m angry all the time.  Irritable.  All I want to do is hide and relax and guess what, I don’t have fucking time.  Because I am supporting 2 offices.  Plus handling my own jobs.  My right arm is swollen with carpal tunnel and my chest hurt all day.

I guess I should feel proud, though – at least I didn’t cry.

I’m doing work from home while also doing chores.  I feel like I’m continually playing Beat The Clock, but I never win.  I never catch up.  Everybody wants something; they’ll never give up.  I broke a glass while washing dishes tonight.  I let at least 3 people down today.  I’m trying to make everyone happy, and in the end I’m making myself miserable, and probably others around me miserable as well.

My brain doesn’t ever stop.  No wonder I’m miserable.  No wonder I don’t sleep well.

Why isn’t this candidate calling me back?  Why is the client taking so long?  Why aren’t I losing weight fast enough?  Why does has it taken me 2 months to run 2 errands?  Why can’t I just wake up, suck it up and do it?  Why is my blood pressure high?  Am I going to die tomorrow?  Why can’t the other office do their own damn work?  Why am I always sick?  Why is it taking me so long to plan this wedding?  Why aren’t I working out hard enough?  Will _____ hate me if I say “No”?  Why does my wonderful fiance put up with my sorry ass?  What do I need to register for?  Does anyone give a shit about the flowers?  What if my dress doesn’t fit?  Why hasn’t this temp returned my call?  Is there a virus in my computer?  What should I have for lunch?  Will I have time to get my car washed?  What songs should I sing for the karaoke finals?  What should I wear?  When am I gonna have time to get my nails done?  Will everyone just leave me alone?  Will somebody give me a hug?

It never fucking stops.  Always in my head.

I’m going to collapse soon.  I’m barely holding on my a fraying thread.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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