Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now…

So I’ve got high blood pressure; it’s official.  My cholesterol is a little high, but nothing to be alarmed about.  All my other tests and bloodwork came back normal.

Do many people around age 35 have hypertension?  I have NO idea.  I’m assuming no, so I’m feeling like I have a death sentence, which is stupid, I know.  But I’m sad.

And mad.

Apparently my current sleeping habits (which is me waking up every hour or 2) isn’t helping.  You need sleep, proper diet and exercise to function optimally.  Since I haven’t had many decent nights’ sleep over the past few years, the cracks are starting to show.  The lack of sleep keeps me on edge, which doesn’t help the anxiety, which doesn’t help the high blood pressure.

And of course, the stress of my job. Duh.

It’s an endless cycle.

So, I’m going on a low dosage of BP medicine to start.  I’ve also got a prescription for Lunesta, for sleep.   My doctor recommended I see a therapist for my stress/depression/anxiety before resorting to meds (again).

Honestly, I’m fucking mad.  I’m mad that this has happened.  Granted, I’m not in the best shape, but I’m certainly not in the worst.  I’m classified, by the charts and graphs and whatnot, as “obese” – but just barely.  And I’m working on that.  I’m working out 5-6 days a week.  And I only occasionally eat crap.  And by crap I mean fast food, and stuff that clearly is high-calorie, high-fat, etc.  I’m not nibbling on rabbit food 24/7, but I’ve been adding more of it over the past few years into my life.  Trying to make better choices.  Plus,  I’ve been drinking skim milk since as far back as I can remember.  I avoid actual salt as much as I can (I’ve been using “No-Salt” as long as I can remember, too).  I only started drinking in college (as opposed to people who started drinking in high school or even earlier), and I’ve only been smoking for about 7 years, as opposed to people I know who’ve been smoking since they were 13.   I’ve smoked pot MAYBE 10 times in my life, and never done anything harder than that.  In the cosmic scheme of things, I should be pretty fucking golden.  Or at least OKAY.

SO WHY THE FUCK AM I THE SICKLY ONE?!?!?  I don’t know how to treat this news of high blood pressure.   I don’t know if it’s to be expected at this age.  I don’t know if I can just have the attitude of “Well, this is just part of getting old(er).  Carry on.” So I’m kinda thinking, well, SHIT.  I know a lot of people who have lived a lot harder than I have…are THEIR blood vessels about to explode?

Oh, I should also get my eyes checked too.  Because the pressure on the blood vessels in the eyes, blah blah.  I haven’t been to the eye doctor in probably 10 years.  The last time I went, my prescription was the same as the first time I got glasses in 1997.  My prescription is very weak, basically just for distance and driving.  I don’t feel any blinder than I was in ’97.

Hell, I haven’t been to the DENTIST since 2004 or so.  Of course, that’s mostly because of my deathly fear of dentists.

Some things just don’t take precedence.  Especially when you’re thousands and thousands of dollars in debt.  That’s why I gave up meds and therapy.  That’s why I don’t do regular doctor’s visits.  That’s why Eric has to remind me to get my oil changed and I never get tune-ups.  Because I can’t afford much of anything.  And when I do have some cash-at-hand, do you REALLY think I want to spend it on a $50 co-pay to spill my guts to a shrink who doesn’t give a shit about me?

No, I’d rather go out and have a good time with my friends.  Or buy a new dress or some workout gear.   Or some extra groceries. Or some body wash.  Whatever.

Now I’m upset, and stressed, because I’ve fucked up my life.   I just ate way too many tater tots.  But at least I did 1/2 hour on the eliptical (368 calories burned), and I’m still under for the day.   I miss when my diet and exercise was only about my getting skinny and pretty.  Now I’ve got to fucking worry about my life…and I am not really caring for that at all.

And this is all somehow supposed to make my stress and anxiety go down, and maybe, hopefully, my blood pressure.

But seriously, am I freaking out over (relatively) nothing over here?

Lunesta time.  Wish me luck.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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1 Response to Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now…

  1. Janice Cimbalo says:

    Remember that much about high blood pressure is hereditary and simply can”t be helped. You are doing the healthy stuff, so its a good shot that the problem is genetics. Stop beating on yourself, it only makes the BP higher!

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