It’s Sunday, which means that I find myself in a lethargic slump. I’ve eaten too much, and none of it was anything that I wanted. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house today. I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything.
Yesterday started off well, with a fresh cut and color courtesy of my girl Shani at Mayday. Eventually, though I ended up having to take Eric to Urgent Care, which freaked me the fuck out (his run-down of the story can be found here). All’s well that ends well, but it was stressful. Then I attended a friend’s birthday celebration at the local bar, and drank more than I intended.
ProductiveMeredithElaine woke up at about 7am; BurntOutMeredithElaine said “fuck that shit” and fell back to sleep for about another 3 or so hours. Then I woke up and watched a few episodes of Four Weddings, which made me feel very guilty for not being further along in the whole wedding planning process. Honestly, planning is HARD. And not fun. I really could not give a shit about centerpieces. But I think that there is a lot of pressure for your wedding to, I dunno, NOT SUCK. My heart will break into a billion newlywed little pieces if my wedding sucks. But I really just don’t care about centerpieces.
Except that I want people to be able to see each other across the table. And that I think huge ostentatious ridiculous centerpieces with branches and crystals and all that bullshit are just ridiculous.
Everyone is different; everyone has different tastes. I am just as much cheesy/girly as I am practical. Flowers are expensive, and they are all going to die. Don’t get me wrong – I love getting flowers! But…I’d MUCH rather has something like THIS as a centerpiece:
Apparently our caterer has an on-site florist. HELLO, one-stop shopping! But just the thought of calling her is so overwhelming to me (I hate the phone. I’m afraid to talk to people on the phone), that I’m just paralyzed, and can’t bring myself to do it. My last meeting with the caterer was in October; he gave me the florist’s card. The card sits in my wallet, unused.
You know those organizing binders that a lot of brides use? I must have 3 of those. All of the receipts, contracts and other various paperwork? Scattered throughout my home. Some are in my totebag that I use for work. I swear. I am a disorganized mess – both in terms of my wedding and in terms of my life. My house is a mess. And I can’t seem to get myself to do anything about it. It is all very overwhelming and so I just hide. This blog does a better job of describing and illustrating my mindset better than I ever could.
It’s all a symptom (sign? indicator?) of The Depression. Most of the time, I cope pretty well. Or I hide it well. Or I’m able to just forget about it for a while. But there’s only just so long that you can try and maintain, until it all falls apart.
I’m trying to hit the gym at least 3 days a week; ideally aiming for 5. I go into work super-duper early. I’ve cut back my going out to, on average, 2 nights per week. I am trying to plan a wedding that is not going to be fail-tastic. But the past 2 or 3 weeks have seen me spiral downward. I’m stressed, I’ve been going out more, eating worse/more, working out less, blah blah blah. I’m freaking out, and sleep like crap the nights that I don’t rely on my trusty Ambien.
Speaking of – I’m currently waiting for an Ambien to kick in. At 730pm. Because I haven’t done shit all day, I’m bored, I’m lonely, TV sucks, the food in our house sucks, and I have no energy to do anything about any of this. But I plan on going to the gym tomorrow at 5am, so I have to get my sleep, you know?
I cooked an entire package of whole-wheat spaghetti today, added a jar of sauce and got that all Tupperwared up and in the fridge. Just so that there’s something quick that either Eric or I can heat up for a quick lunch or dinner this week. I attempted to clean the bathtub. While I was taking a shower, of course. I may be dying from mold. Or mildew. Or the mystery creeping crud. Yeah, EW. I compiled our (hopefully) master list of songs to be played during the reception. Or at least a starting point.
Oh, I also took a some photos on my macbook.
Whee. What a rip-roarin’ day I had, huh? And yet I am exhausted. I am sluggish. I want to cry little baby tears. I’m burnt out, it’s not even funny. And I’m just sad.
Once again, I have spent so much time on this blog entry, that the Ambien has kicked in, and I’m all Whaaa waaaaas I wriiiiiting about agiiiiiin?
Yesterday was busy and stressful
Wedding Planning is difficult and stressful
I’m still depressed
I did about 3 items on my list of 4683 potential chores that I should be doing with any given free moment that I have
Aaaaand I look a hot tired mess.
Well that is about as much victory that can be mustered from me today, I think. Time to giggle out loud at no one in my muddled state, and drift off to sleep with COPS on TV in the background.