Part of me is really just begging for it to JUST GET HERE, ALREADY. Part of me just wants it all to be over.
If you thought there was a slim chance that you might get a holiday card from me…sorry. It’s not happening. Not after 275 client cards, 150 paychecks (x 2 pay periods during the holiday season) with extra memos in them, plus a pile of wedding invitations that I still need to assemble and get sent out.
A girl can only fold, stuff, seal, label and stamp SO MUCH in a short time frame, before she gets raging carpal tunnel and goes fucking ballistic.
Seriously, I’m going nuts.
Between all the stuffing and stamping, I’ve also had a bunch of little, admin-ish temp jobs to fill, plus wrap and label client gifts, plus reference checks, background checks, filing, posting jobs online…all the usual crap that I do.
On Friday, the unthinkable happened – my hard drive at work DIED. After re-starting my computer over and over for 3 hours, I ended up taking it to our PC Repair people (since they weren’t doing office visits that day). At that point, I went home and did as much as I could from home. But in essence, I lost a day of work. Right before payroll. So I was painfully far behind today, and remained chained to my desk for 7 hours, trying to catch up.
I was going to stay late at work, but it is fucking monsooning in San Diego, and I really didn’t want to end up in traffic for 2 hours like the last time it rained. So I decided, fuck that noise, I’m going home.
And I came home to pretty lights strung up in my apartment, courtesy of Eric. Which cheered me up a little bit.
Between work stress and being sick…I’m kinda over the holidays. I’m cohosting a little get together, which involves me actually attempt to assist with cooking and stuff. Which I’m actually excited about. But nervous that I’ll fuck up the food. Overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we’re making. Boggled as to WHEN we’re actually going to make this happen. Plus there are some other events that I’m attending. Some events that I didn’t make it to, or cannot make it to, that I feel guilty about.
It’s like, during the holidays, you can’t win. You can’t make everyone happy. You can’t be everywhere people want you to be. You can’t do it all. You fall behind on buying gifts – and seriously, the thought of heading to Target a-fuckin’-gain makes me want to cry. Plus…when? After work? Hell no. During lunch? Ugh, when have I had more than 10 minutes to take a lunch lately?
I got stressed, I got sick. I’m just running around like a crazy woman, coughing and sniffling, wondering how many people I can disappoint or alienate this season!
And of course my dieting and working out has fallen SO FAR to the wayside. Shit ain’t cool. I tried to get back on the wagon last week, but then I got sick.
Seriously, I can’t win.
We got our engagement photos back last week. Cute, eh? I absolutely LOVE the job that our photographers did!!! But yet, I can’t help but pick myself apart. Oh, look at that lump/bulge there. Oh my god, not only do you have a double chin you have a TRIPLE chin. That kind of thing.
Which makes me realize that I have a LONG way to go before I’m where I want to be. Especially to be of suitable bride status.
Seriously, I’m buying SlimFast in bulk. Even if I drink more than the 1 shake per meal, it’s better than I’m doing now. I’m heinously disappointed in myself. I don’t care what I need to do or how I do it. I just have to DO IT. Get off my fat fucking ass and quit shoveling food into my yap. Maybe stop guzzling so many Coors Lights.
I just have to decide what’s more important – chowing on everything in sight in an attempt to comfort some sort of weird mental/emotional emptiness inside of me, or getting in shape and being pretty for once. The choice should be obvious, but it’s a never-ending vicious cycle of a battle that I’ve waged with myself since I was 7 years old.
The clock is ticking; the countdown is on. Will I succeed or will I fail?