Things are changing. They have been changing. Over the past year. I don’t like it. It’s part of life, I suppose. People grow up, grow apart, get sucked into drama or (much like myself) get trapped in their own head. I can’t help but blame myself. At least partially. Looking at all these changes, and all the different factors…the one in common is me. I can’t help but feel that I’m toxic.
I see my doctor on Thursday. I will talk to her about seeing a therapist/psydoc again. Perhaps. Maybe it’s a good thing. My depression – well, that’s pretty much constant. Somedays are easier to fight the good fight than others. But my ADD has crept back into the mix, and my OCD has returned with a vengeance. I can’t tell you how many times I check certain things before bed, before leaving the house, and how many times I’ve had to turn back while en route somewhere. Good grief. My social anxiety has gotten increasingly worse. I rarely go out these days, and when I do, it’s to one of my “safe spots”. So I’m not sure at this point whether I need talk therapy, or just a huge cocktail of meds, like I had about 6 years ago.
In the words of Britney Spears:
“You say I’m crazy…I got your crazy!”
I’ve not been sleeping well as of late. Lots of crazy dreams – one involving the end of the world and BB guns. The other one was my wedding – but not at all like it happened. It took place in a high-rise hotel, the photographers didn’t show, and my cake was a supermarket cake that served maybe 8-10 people. And had a carrot on top, like this:
I was wearing a lilac colored dress – not unlike what my actual bridesmaids wore. But a little odd for the actual bride. And I had really bad 80s hair:
The worst part of the dream, though, was when I got on the elevator with some other folks, and the elevator broke. So we started free-falling multiple stories to our supposed untimely end. THAT’S the point where I woke up. At 4am. And clearly did not go back to sleep afterwards.
So I’m tired. I’m tired from lack of sleep and bad sleep. I’m achy from working out. It’s frustrating when low/no-impact activities such as walking, stationary biking, the elliptical machine and the occasional Zumba class jack up your knees and aggravate an old herniated disc injury. My minimum is 4 days per week, aiming for a goal of 5-6 days per week of some sort of activity. I alternate activities, because I get bored. I guess I also get injured. *shrug* At some point it’s got to get better, though…right? I’ll see payoff in a fitter body, instead of an achier one?
Apartment hunting has proven to be difficult. We’ve visited a number of places, most of which were nice, but TEENY. As in probably can’t fit our bed AND dressers in the room. So that’s been a let down. Eric and I went to see one place, though…holy moly. So, the property manager let us know the lockbox code, so we get the key and try to unlock the door. I struggled for a good minute or two with the door. Then, next door, we hear some guy, clearly upset, crying and yelling, “She doesn’t do SHIT for her kids! Imma fuckin’ kill her!!!!!!” I finally was able to unlock the door and we walked in, but by that time the decision was pretty much already made, you know? The apartment smelled very musty, they clearly hadn’t done a lot of updates on it, and the wall-unit A/C was gutted. I doubt it even worked. So, back to the drawing table for that. Luckily we’re not on any sort of time-crunch to get out of our current place, so we can afford to be a little pickier than we were last time around. But damn, getting let down with every place we see…? It’s just a bummer. My husband and I just started our New Life Together and all that jazz…it’d be nice to have a new place where we had enough room to store and use our new stuff!
My birthday is this weekend. I’m super excited and super bummed at the same time, for various reasons. None of which have to do with OMG, I’m getting older, whoa is me, really. It has to do more with change – circling back to what I said in the beginning of this post. But I’m trying to focus on the positive, which is that my BIRTHDAY is this weekend, it’s a day all about me…WOOO HOOOO!
Having a birthday in the summer was never easy, growing up. When I was in grammar school, we had a huge back yard and a pool, and my sister was in high school, working at one of the coolest pizza joints around! So a summer fun pool and pizza party sounds AWESOME, right?????
Not when you’d invited 30 classmates and maybe 4 would show up. During the summer, most of the kids went to Tennis Camp or went on vacation to Cape Cod with their families…stuff like that. And it almost always coincided with the date of my birthday party. No matter how much we tried switching dates around – a week before, a week after – it didn’t matter. You’d think that would have made me super bitter towards birthdays.
Nope. I STILL LOVE BIRTHDAAYYYYYYYYYS!!
I guess that’s all the news fit for this episode. So far it’s been an okay summer…not a great one, but an okay one.
Until next time. ❤
So far, it’s been an okay summer. Not a terrific one, but an okay one.