Until you’re resting here with me

I am currently in bed, at 830pm, like the octogenarian that I am. Really, work is pushing me to my limits these days, as it has been for a while.  Today – 10 hours, no break.  Tomorrow will probably be more of the same, with 150+ paychecks I’ll need to stuff and mail out, and 3 meetings, plus the job orders I’m working on.  There’s been a lot of those lately.  And about 1/3 to 1/2 of them don’t come to fruition.  Or get filled by another vendor.  So basically I’m busting my ass, for very little reward.  Plus also being the assistant to about 15 other employees, in 2 offices total.

I’ve lost about 12 pounds so far on Weight Watchers.  So, including the little bit of progress I made last year, I’m only 2 pounds away from being 20 pounds lighter than my wedding weight.  Pretty cool. Still, it has its price.

I don’t go out nearly as much.  I turn down a lot of invites.  Part of is is because I just do not have the mental/emotional strength to do much else than sit on my ass, looking at pretty pictures on the internet.  Seriously. PINTEREST shall be the death of me.  Part of it is that there’s too much temptation – to eat, to drink, to smoke – that I’m just not ready for.  I’m still weak and will give in.  It’s like getting out of fucking rehab or something.  Trying to integrate yourself back into society, LOL.

Sunday night was my Valentine’s dinner with Da Hubz, since he is closing at his job tonight.  We went to the Outback Steakhouse, because we fucking love that place. It ain’t no fancy froo-froo shit, but damn, they cook a nice steak. And their seared ahi appetizer! And, oh lordy be, the BLOOMIN’ ONION!

As a result of that, plus the 5 cuppycakes that Eric got me from Heavenly Cupcake (which I did not eat all at once, thank you very much.  Just took 1 bite of each.) — I have absolutely NO wiggle room this week.  NONE.  So there’s no social life, no drinky, no NADA…until my weigh-in on Saturday morning, and the weekly cycle begins again.

It makes me feel like a fucking DICK, because, seriously, I’m going to lose friends REALLY quickly this way.  But my work is going through a hectic time.  And dieting/losing weight is important to me.  Like, beyond important.  I have to prove myself that I can do it this time, and make it stick, goddammit.

The whole quitting smoking thing is, of course, not going well. Shocker. I don’t smoke at home anymore, haven’t smoked at work in ages…but going to bars and shows is a huge trigger for me right now.  I ended up smoking 1/2 a pack on Friday night (because I was at the scariest bar on earth for one of Moosejaw‘s shows), and proceeded to have chest pains/tightness for the remainder of the weekend. Part of it was severe heartburn/gird from the crap I ate most of the weekend, but the smoking ain’t helping matters.  The stress isn’t helping either.  Did you ever get so stressed or caught up in something that you forget to breathe?  And then all of a sudden, you’re like *deep inhaling gasp*?  That’s me, a lot these days.

So I’m just struggling, trying to back up off a lot of shit at the same time.  Stress from work makes me want to eat and smoke and drink.  But when I’m trying to cut back or eliminate my “stress relievers” – I’m kind of at a loss.

So I am currently in bed, in 400 layers of clothing, because it’s oddly chilly in San Diego at the moment.  I am listening to “chill-out” music or whatever the fuck this genre is. Slowed down techno/electronic music for 4am post-rave sleepytime music?  I dunno.  I like it, though.

Popped Xanax #2 for the day, because I want to sleep well, and I really feel uncomfortable taking Ambien too often.  I feel uncomfortable taking anything too often, really.  But if I don’t calm myself the fuck down, my heart will probably explode out of my chest.  And that would be REALLY messy.

I cooked some pasta for dinner.  Then I cooked some quinoa to use over the course of the next few days.  I made an egg and veggie scramble to mix with some quinoa to bring to work tomorrow for lunch.  Along with a jar of grapefruit slices (in water, not sugary juice, thank you very much).  I dusted (even though I just did that on Sunday).  I cleaned up the bathroom a little bit.  I washed the dishes I used during my cooking tonight.  I’m getting used to the alone time. I find ways to pass the time.

See?  Now it’s 845 pm, which is totally a normal time for someone my age (octogenarian, remember) to go to bed, right?

Happy Valentine’s Day.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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