And I live in the numbness now, in the background


I sit on the couch a lot.  Sometimes I look at pretty pictures. Sometimes I look at pictures of who I wish to be.  Sometimes I just zone out.  But a lot of times, I reflect.  I probably spend more time in my head than I should.  Overanalyzing, constructing and deconstructing.   Wishing I could be better.  Wishing I could change.  I’m trying to prove myself in these stupid ridiculous ways that no one really gives a fuck about.  Woo hoo, I made hummus today.  What does that prove?  Only that I’ll have hummus to eat for the next few days. Do I deserve a gold fucking star because I dust the furniture 3 days a week, or because I work 9+ hour days without taking a lunch break (that, technically I’m required to by law because I’m an hourly employee)?  No. I don’t deserve any fucking praise, I don’t deserve shit.

I had a sugar free Peach Mango Slurpee today. It’s kinda sour and kinda delightful.  Side thought there.

I’m a scared, scared girl trapped in the body of nearly 37 year old.  I’m a satellite circling around, threatening to drift off-course.  I try to do what’s right.  I try to be a good person.  I can’t describe the feeling that’s come over me.  Feeling so disappointed in myself.  I get the feeling I’m letting everyone down.  And I have no idea how to change it.  I have no idea how to be better.  How to DO better.  I’m doing it all wrong.  I’m not equipped for this. I’m a failure in comparison to so many. I’m scared to fall into a deeper hole of failure that I can’t get out of.

And I’m so, so selfish and self-centered. Ha, this blog is proof enough of that.  All this whiny “me, me, me” bullshit.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.  So afraid to fail, so I’m too afraid to try.  Ain’t that just always been the story. A lesson in hesitant mediocrity.

Just caught a glimpse of someone on TV making sausage. Kinda gross. TV is on mute, largely ignored, while I listen to sad emo songs.  And write. And cry. And write. And check my reflection in the mirror to curse the dark circles and crow’s feet that I’ve done absolutely nothing of value to earn.  I spent $20 on eye cream today.  A brutal reminder.  Almost 37.  Not getting any younger.  And I’m STILL $20K in debt, which causes me more anxiety than anyone will ever know.  I’ve sealed my fate right there with that ginormous tab hanging over my head.  I make my monthly payments, as I will for about the next 6 years.  I feel like everything is on pause until that time.  I don’t want to set that kind of shitty example.  I didn’t, and still don’t want anyone to suffer for what I, and ONLY I, got myself into.  It’s not fair for anyone else to have to pay the price.  I’ll forever feel guilty.  Always have, always will.  The weight of my inadequacies is on my shoulders.

Sad mood to end what was, actually, a pretty nice weekend. Time out with friends, quality time with the hubs.  As the weekend comes to an end, I dread the work week ahead.  Busy and stressful, like always.  But, the overtime and commissions help put a dent in a debt, so, I do what I have to do.  I have to attend a work-related networking event, which fills me with such dread.  I hate networking events.  I think it’s fake and awkward.  But, after that event, I have a fun event to attend.  My husband’s band is playing a show with 2 other local bands that I adore.  I cannot describe the excitement I feel to  have a night of fun, good people and great music to look forward to.  The pride I feel in my husband and what he does is indescribable.  He’s the coolest, most talented person on earth.  I love being his cheerleader.

I’ve been staring at this screen for the past 5 minutes, blankly. I guess I have nothing else to say.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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1 Response to And I live in the numbness now, in the background

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