And I’m about to break…

First of all, can we please just take a moment to observe how absolutely adorably young Linkin Park looks in this video?  Oh, youth.

This week was probably the worst I’ve had at work in the 4 years I’ve been with the company.  First it was a payroll week, then we had a network/server outage from Monday afternoon until about noon on Tuesday.  So I was behind on a lot of things, and scrambled to play catch-up, while still having to assist with payroll as usual.  So, I made a couple stupid mistakes.  Most of the issues have been resolved, but there’s one still outstanding, and if it is not resolved by noon on Monday, it’s going to suck.  Now yes, I made the mistakes.  But if they’d been noticed and brought to my attention by both the service provider (who seemed to think it would be no big deal – wrong!), and also by my colleague when I sent him the report, instead of 24 hours LATER, we wouldn’t be in an OMG-crunch-time situation.  Only time will tell.

I worked a lot of OT this week.  Most days I eat lunch at my desk anyway; yesterday, I didn’t even have time to eat.  Meetings back to back, which each person was late for, making me double (and almost triple) booked.  If you have an appointment, seems to me you should be on time for it.  And not, oh, 30, 45…60 MINUTES LATE.  Huge pet peeve of mine.  Then another last minute meeting – for a total of 4 meetings in about 3 hours.  Plus reports, ads…typical Friday shitstorm x12.  I got myself so stressed out and upset, that not only did I almost cry (multiple times), but I also nearly vomited at my desk (multiple times).

My stomach is still sore today.

I ended up not going out last night, which is fairly typical these days for a Friday. But I was kinda supposed to.  But…no.  There was just no way after the day (and week) that I had, that I could handle being social and going out to the bar.  I could barely keep my eyes open as I was driving home from work – kept zoning out, which is not ideal on the freeway.  Then I was so lightheaded from not eating, I got delirious.  Eric took me to Rubio’s, thank god.  But my stomach was all STRESS! FOOD! WHYYYY!  Which lead me to lying in bed for the rest of the evening, drifting in and out of sleep while watching reruns of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.  Alternated between freezing and sweating all night, and had crazy dreams (saving THAT for another post).  And now I’ve been up since 545am, on a Saturday, because I have lost the ability to sleep in, and I am just absolutely insane.

In more positive news, I lost 3.6 pounds this week.  And I fit into my Goal #1 jeans.  I am still very muffiny in them, so I can’t wear them out of the house, but I am very close to being able to do so.  So, I’m pretty excited about that.

I have an appointment with the shrink on Tuesday after work.  Timing is excellent, as I am nothing but tired and listless these days.  Maybe I need to take my meds at night, instead of first thing in the morning.  Or maybe I need more of the meds.  Or different ones.  It’s very frustrating that, yet again, there is a possibility that I may have to play trial-and-error with my medications.  It fucking sucks.  I’m so discouraged right now.  Besides my work stress, life is pretty damn peachy.  But I don’t FEEL like it is.  I don’t feel as happy as I should be.  I’m pulling away from people, being a crappy friend, and just a crabapple in general.  I suppose it’s good that I’m recognizing the signs, and know that I need to do something about it.  But I would really like the constant changing of meds, dealing with side effects, only to have to switch AGAIN in a matter of months – to END.  It’s been nearly FIFTEEN years of this BS.  I’m TIRED of it.   I’m so discouraged.

And man, I would KILL for a nap right now.  I’m beat.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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