Sleighbells in the snow…

As I mentioned last year, Salsoul Orchestra’s Christmas Jollies is just ingrained in my childhood Christmas memories.

I’ve been a frazzled mess in the weeks leading up to Christmas – due 95% to work.  So, now that I’ve had a few days off, and I’ve been cooking and cleaning – I’m actually MORE relaxed.  I’ve been sleeping in (until about 8 or 9am, which is seriously sleeping in for me).

This time of year is a time of excess.  With all the parties and frivolity, there’s no way it CAN’T be.  I wish I could blame the 15 pounds I’ve packed back on, on the holidays alone, but NO.  Since about August, I’ve fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon hardcore, and put a bunch of weight back on.  It kills me every day to look at myself in the mirror.  I see the rolls getting bigger (since they never completely way, LOL.  I see the double chin returning to my face.  Most noticeably, I don’t get compliments anymore.  This summer, people were telling me how good I looked; complimented me on my weight loss.  I don’t get those compliments anymore.

And so I get sad, feel sorry for myself, and binge some more.  Because, you know, THAT solves problems.  *sigh*

I’ve been eating way more than I need to.  More crap than I should.  Sneaking food.  UGH.  That’s the hardest part to admit.  I’m fucking obsessed with food.  And it’s a counterproductive obsession.  I wake up and think about what I’m going to eat.  While I’m eating, I think about what I’m going to eat NEXT.  And so on.  Which leads to the weight gain and self loathing. It’s a fucking vicious cycle.

I’m hoping, come the new year, that I’ll be able to channel my obsession back in a healthy direction.  Let me get obsessed with making delicious healthy salads and smoothies, instead of cramming as much pasta into my face as possible.  Let me get obsessed with measuring my portions again, and sticking to ONE portion, not a serving for 2 (or more).

Several years ago, I went through a stint more on the anorexic side of things.  Over-exercising, fasting…all of it.  But I’m overwhelmingly a binger, and, to a lesser degree, a purger.

I hate that EVERY fiber of my self worth is tied up in how I look.  I look at myself and my mind screams at me – chastising me for how ugly and fat I am.  How much I’ve let myself go (again), in just a few short months.  I need to get this shit under control

Come the new year (because it’s just too hard right now), I start again.  Start fresh.  Get my ass back to the gym on a regular basis.  Go back to eating as lean and healthy as possible.  Cut back on going out – to dinner and to the bar.  This will help my bank account almost as much as my waistline.

For now, I’m just going to hide from all the cameras taking pictures this holiday season.

One step forward, two steps back.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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