Embarrassment and Shame

During the first half of 2012, I lost nearly 20 pounds.  During the second half of 2012, I gained it back.  I still haven’t gotten back on track.  Clothes don’t fit right, I feel bloated and lumpy.

I used to get so many compliments.  Not anymore.  I know that people are looking at me, disappointed.  I know that they see me as a girl who has spiraled out of control.  Can’t seem to back away from the table. 

I look at myself and I want to cry.  Then I grab something else to eat.  Pad Thai, Aloo Matar Paneer, Cheerios, Pasta…nothing is too simple or too extravagant.  I’m giving in to all my cravings as if it doesn’t matter.  Comfort food, indeed.

I’m embarrassed to leave the house.

Says the girl who’s going out to brunch in a little while.  *sigh*

Meanwhile, I’m also embarrassed to leave the house because I have got some crazy dandruff going on.  This winter has been particularly dry, so my skin is itchy and flaking.  I scratch itches on my arms and legs until the skin breaks and I draw blood.  Apparently this dry flakiness has made its way to my scalp.  And Head & Shoulders ain’t doin’ shit for it.

So, I’m a fat, flaky, itchy mess.  Rawr.  Damn sexy. 

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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