Why are you my clarity?

GodDAMN, I’m in love with this song.  There’s a beautiful orchestral remix as well. Oy vey, just beautiful.

For any of the 3 or 4 people who read this are probably aware, Da Hubz is going through a tough time. Which in turn causes me to go through a tough time.  Which makes me feel terrible to say, because it’s like I’m trying to one-up him in the game of “Who’s More Fucked Up?”

Which is funny, because we had a discussion the other day, about how we’ve both been determined to have “mental illness” if you will (depression, bipolarity, etc.)…but not that bad.

Which pisses both of us off.  We’re both perfectionists and overachievers and champions of work ethic, for lack of better terms.  And if we are not the MOST fucked up, well then…we just simply aren’t doing it right.

Good lord, our LOGIC! *snicker*

So, in any case, I feel terrible, because I can’t FIX him.  Usually he is the one to guide me safely off the ledge.  He is the cheer when I am the sorrow.  Honestly, his mere presence fixes me.  To have the tables turned…well, I just don’t know how to deal with that.  I’m not sure if he wants cuddles and snuggles. I’m not sure if he wants to be left alone.  I don’t know if he wants to talk, or if he wants quiet.  Does he want “real talk” or fun-time distractions?  I HAVE NO IDEA.

Does this mean that I am a flawed/failed wife?  A terrible partner in life?

(and once again, there she goes, making it all about herself…)

I don’t know what to do.

I love.

That much I can do.


About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
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