I did it again.  I tried on jeans that are sitting in my drawer.  And of COURSE they don’t fit, of course I’m getting fatter.  I’m going absolutely batshit crazy over this.

I had a mini-binge.  I tried to implement some of the tactics that I’ve learned in therapy.  In the end, I binged on a smaller amount, and not on what I wanted.  I probably saved myself quite a bit of bloat (not to mention calories).

I also took a xanax.

I know that progress doesn’t happen over night.  I know that I shouldn’t judge my progress by the way my pants fit.  But goddamn it, I’ve been so entrenched in “diet mentality” for 30+ years.  I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m never going to get better, I’m never going to be thin and beautiful.  I’m just going to be this fat, moon-faced, hideous monster forever.

I feel so worthless. So ugly.  Nothing matters if I’m not pretty. Pretty = thin.

I can’t even articulate how I feel.  I just know that I disgust myself.

About meredithelaine

forty-something. jersey girl in texas via california.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Discouraged

  1. Katie Devine says:

    I don’t presume to think that anything I can say will make it any easier or better for you…but I am thinking about you and sending love your way. I think what you have already done to invest in yourself and in taking care of yourself is really commendable. It IS a long road–but you’re on it. And that is more than a lot of people can say. Wishing you the best, and that you can start seeing the beautiful girl we all see. xx

  2. meredithelaine says:

    Thank you, hon. xoxoxox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s