Today has been a day. I’ve felt guilty and beaty-uppy-on-myself. I’ve spent most of the day feeling terrible about myself. Not that that’s such a departure from the norm. I’m trying to combat these thoughts. I’m a good wife, a good employee, a good friend (sometimes). But yet, it’s as if none of it matters because I look in the mirror and I’m obsessed with how absolutely obese I am. I can’t get out of this mindset that I seriously need to get on a diet. I can stand to lose at least 50, if not more pounds. I feel wretched. Ugly. Worthless.
Had a mini binge/graze session tonight. Goddamn it. So I tried to shut that down as best as I could. I did some needlepoint. I updated my playlists on my iphone and ipod. Now I’m blogging. I can’t stop this feeling of worthlessness. I’m trying to put the thoughts on little clouds and make them float away (one of the “skills” I’m working on in therapy), but it’s not easy.
I just want to escape this feeling. I want to feel like I matter.
I want more quiet time. I want more lazy nights in. I want to sleep better. I want to be able to say NO and not feel so damn obligated to do everything. I want to be able to relax.
I want to finish one thing before I start 6000 others. Like this blog post.